Feb 4, 2025 3 min read

Suicide is a control thing

Trigger/Content Warning: Mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. I do not use synonyms or censor.

When people say that living with depression is hard, they're usually talking about the living part, not the depression.

Depression is easy. You just cease to be a functional human being, or at least, stop caring about being one.

Pile of blankets, glazed expression, greasy hair. Boom. Done.

But choosing to live each day over and over, despite the grey sameness and torture of getting up and taking care of yourself —that's the tough part.

So tough that a lot of us just don't want to deal with it anymore. Sometimes we don't want to die, we just want to stop existing.

"A lot of people are worse off than I am, yet I can't seem to get it together. I'm useless and not worth continuing to live."

"There's nothing keeping me here."

"I'd be dead without health insurance anyway, so why even keep trying?"

These are all things I've said to myself at one point or another.

There's also a difference between feeling like your only choice is to die, and dying is one path you can take. Does that make sense?

After I lost my job, I thought, well, when the money runs out, I can always just end it. Not now, but later. Gives me time to wrap up my life a bit, share my passwords with my husband, write my will.

It was comforting, somehow, to have that option.

My therapist pointed out that in a way, it was probably helpful for me because it allowed me a little control at a time when I had lost myself in a dark hole.

With suicide, you are physically in control. You choose what happens and how. That doesn't mean you're mentally in a good place, it just means that the decision itself rests on you.

That's a lot of power. And sometimes, when you're feeling powerless, it's an irresistible choice.

Talking to people about "it"

There's no casual way to bring up being suicidal. No one really wants to know that you spend time thinking of offing yourself. It's upsetting. It's uncomfortable.

And I get it. I do. Who wants to hear about something they can't fix or find a solution for?

When you do talk about it, chances are, you feel responsible for other's reactions. I can't tell you how many times I've brought up my struggles (not even the suicidal ones), only to have to comfort someone who is upset that I'm not doing well.

It's really not a fun time.

Also, there's the horrible, well-meaning advice that you get. The "Have you trieds", the "Think of what you'll leave behinds". People will try to tell you that it's all in your head (obviously) and that you can snap out of it (doubtful).

But here's the thing: if we don't talk about it, if we don't let it out somewhere, those thoughts live rent-free in our brains, swirling around and around until we're dizzy and overwhelmed.

There are plenty of other ways to manage suicidal thoughts. Journaling. Religion. Meditation. Yoga. Whatever your bag is.

But being able to connect with another human and have them sympathize (if not understand) what you're going through can make all the difference in the world.

I don't honestly know if I'll live a long life with suicidal depression. But I've survived it this far, and thankfully, I do have people I can talk to (like you all!). And that's enough for now.

Thanks for reading.

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