3 lessons I've learned living with major depression

Back once again to share my thoughts on living with depression. It's been a rough six weeks!

I've been a bit out of touch for the last 6 weeks because I've been living through and then recovering from an episode of major depression.

Now that I'm back, I want to share a few things that stood out to me this time.

Some of these lessons are new to me, others I have to relearn every time, but hopefully, each one will give you a little insight into what it's like living with depression.

Not all major depressive episodes are created equal

Now a quick caveat: I don't have major depressive disorder (MDD). I have dysthymia with episodes of major depression, also known as double depression. My episodes can last for hours, days, or even weeks.

I've gotten used to being fairly functional while depressed, or at least able to complete basic tasks like eating and showering. Not this time, though.

I spent the better part of a month in a dark hole, barely eating or getting out of bed. My best theory is that I had a perfect storm of seasonal changes (daylight savings sucks) along with trying to find work after losing my job.

I could have predicted a depressive slump at some point. Late fall and early winter are usually difficult for me and I had plenty of life circumstances to make things worse. But the lesson really is that sometimes, you don't always know what you're going to face, and it's crucial to be prepared.

Here are a few things I've done, and will continue to do, to better prepare:

Taking medication for seasonal depression since the lack of daylight definitely made things worse.
Letting people know I'm struggling and need help (isolating myself is a toxic trait of mine).
Giving myself time to get back into regular routines without guilt or shame and celebrating each small win.
Adding small things to my home to ease the way a bit, like daylight light bulbs and cozy blankets.

Fed is best

I learned this phrase in a mommy Facebook group. In context, it means that there's no one right way to feed a baby as long as the baby gets fed. And I think that applies to anyone dealing with depression.

Every time I have an episode of major depression, my appetite is one of the first things to go. This time, I faced the double whammy of battling constant nausea while struggling to find the motivation to eat. I managed maybe 2 meals a day and found myself reverting to plain "sick" foods like applesauce and soup.

In an ideal world, I'd eat multi-course, nutritious meals I've made from scratch. But that's just not feasible for me. So I'm trying to take a "work smarter, not harder" approach by:

Not making food I could buy instead. I like to make fruit compote from scratch to go with my breakfast yogurt, but I can only manage it when I'm doing (fairly) well. Moving forward, I've decided to pay a bit extra to save energy.
Batch cooking on good days. This could mean anything from prepping veg I can toss in the microwave to having full meals on hand. This also includes stocking up on easy meals like pizzas and soup.
Taking advantage of (cheap) opportunities. One of my local grocery stores carries decent sushi that's much more affordable than takeout. So once or twice a month, I get a small, healthy meal that I can feel good about.

Self-care can be fucking boring

I'm working really hard to be okay, but life is kind of a chore right now.

A lot of us think of self-care as self-indulgence: bubble baths with a book, long walks, listening to music, etc. And these are all an important part of life. But if you're chronically ill or disabled, self-care can be a lot less fun.

For me, self-care looks like an endless round of trying to take care of the essentials. Sleep. Eat. Shower. Walk. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Sometimes it's so hard and so bloody tedious, I want to give up completely.

And everything takes effort. Everything. Remember the spoon theory? Anything that requires effort has a cost. So each day is a balancing act.

When I have work to do, that plus eating and sleeping comes first. Then I have to fit in whatever else I can with the energy I have left and save the rest for another day. And remember, this doesn't include extras like socializing or hobbies.

But I'm grateful for every new thing I'm able to do. A few things that make this process easier include:

Minimizing effort. Tasks that take less effort, like taking a bath instead of a shower, and wearing comfy clothes that are easy to put on help me save energy throughout the day.
Maximizing energy. On days when I have more energy, I'll try and do at least one thing for Future Leanna. This could mean batch cooking, cleaning, or stocking up on audiobooks for bad days.
Building in rest time. My energy tends to be lowest early to mid-afternoon, so I've learned to have at least an hour or so of downtime to read, rest, or watch a favourite show.

Looking ahead

I have so many things I want to say, but limited energy to follow through right now. So I will keep writing as I can. My goal is to get back to a twice-a-month schedule unless I'm in another major depressive slump. I'm terrible at social media and sharing my story there, but writing here helps me and I know I should keep it up.

In more positive news, I'm excited for the holidays, looking forward to seeing family, and I even have potential new work lined up for 2025.

Take care of yourselves out there and happy holidays!

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